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Stories

How to start a gratitude journal

3/27/2019

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Practicing gratitude is one way you can lead a happy and content life. By reflecting on what you’re grateful for, you focus on what’s good, instead of dwelling on things that upset you.

A gratitude journal is a book or file where you write down what you’re grateful for. Writing in your gratitude journal can help relieve stress, promote calmness and clarity of thought, and help you deal with depression and anxiety.

Everyone’s gratitude journal is different, and you’re free to create yours however you like. Here are some tips to help you get started.

Choose a journal

There are so many cool journals and books around, you can hunt out one that feels good to you. Your journal should reflect your personality and have the pages set out the way you prefer. You can choose lined pages, blank pages, or even specific gratitude journals with pages laid out for creating lists.

You may also like to use embellishments like coloured pens, stickers, stamps, or ribbon. Anything that makes you feel good is allowed. Alternatively, if you aren’t into paper, you could just open a new file on your computer to use, or even turn your social media account into your gratitude journal.

Set aside time for writing

Make your journal a daily practice by setting aside a block of time to jot down things you’re grateful for. First thing in the morning is a great time, because those good thoughts are in your head all day. Last thing before bed is good, too, as it gives you something pleasant to think about as you drift off to sleep.

Set a daily alarm, and make your journal a habit. You only need 10 minutes – enough time to pull out your book and jot down a short list or sketch. Keep your book in the place where you’ll be stopping, with a pen handy, so you have all your tools ready to go.

Use a prompt

At first, you may stare at the page and struggle to think of what to write. Use these prompts as a way to guide you. Change up your prompts until you settle into a routine that works for you. After a while you may find you don’t need a prompt, or that you use the same one every day.

  • Write about someone who did something nice for you and how it made you feel.
  • Remember a moment that made you truly grateful.
  • List five things you are grateful for right now.
  • Think about an object that makes you happy. Who else has worked to make that object come to life (the manufacturer, the shop assistant, etc).
  • Write a thank you note to someone important in your life.
  • Write a thank you note to yourself.
  • List 10 things you love about yourself.
  • List three people who’ve helped you through tough times in your life.
  • Write about a character from a book / TV show who makes you smile.
  • Remember a mistake you made. Ask yourself what you learned from it.
  • Describe something you’re looking forward to.
  • Write about the last time you laughed so hard you cried.
  • Describe a memory, and why it makes you feel grateful.

Figure out what works for you

Your gratitude journal is personal, so you can use it however you like. There are no rules, so enjoy exploring your interests and personality between its pages. You don’t have to limit yourself to writing – draw pictures, add photographs or collages, dictate your gratitude journal to a friend.

Check in with yourself regularly during your journaling time and ask yourself, “how do I feel?” “Is this making me happy?” Notice when your happiness improves and when you grow more confident. Making note of these changes helps to strengthen them.

If you'd like some more tips, ideas and apps for your journal, check out this link: 
https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/gratitude-journal/

​Have you tried writing a gratitude journal? What kinds of things do you like to include?
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How to challenge a fixed mindset

3/25/2019

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A ‘mindset’ is a belief that illustrates how we approach a task or challenge. Psychologists often speak about a ‘fixed’ mindset and a ‘growth’ mindset to differentiate two concepts.

People with a fixed mindset believe talents and abilities are fixed. You’re either good at something, or you’re not. In contrast, those with a growth mindset believe they can develop skills and abilities and constantly change and improve.

Challenging your fixed mindset takes courage and tenacity. Here’s how you can demolish your fixed patterns and approach challenges in a new way.

Change the script

Your fixed mindset has a distinct voice that tells you how to approach a challenge – usually by berating you that you don’t have the required skills until you decide it’s not even worth trying. If you do try, and fail, your “voice” will tell that of course that was going to happen. When you recognise this voice, challenge what it says. Ask if it’s really speaking the truth. Consider these ways of flipping the script:

Fixed mindset: “I’m going to fail and I’ll be a failure.”
Growth mindset: “I may not succeed, but I’ll learn something. Most successful people have failures along the way.”

Fixed mindset: “If I don’t try, then I won’t be disappointed.”
Growth mindset: “If I don’t try, then I’ve automatically failed. Might as well try and see what happens.”

Fixed mindset: “If I had the talent to do this, everything would work out. It hasn’t, so clearly I’m not supposed to be here.”
Growth mindset: “Just because I enjoy something doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. I like a challenge. It helps me to learn and push forward.”

Fall in love with failure

Think back to previous failures in your life, or challenges you’ve attempted but didn’t overcome. Look for an outcome that was in some way good. Did you learn something about yourself? Did you meet someone who helped you improve your skills?

As humans, we learn so much more from our failures than our successes. Challenge yourself as often as you can and learn to actively seek out and embrace those challenges.

Stop being obsessed with being seen a certain way

People with a fixed mindset believe they are a certain way – smart, or athletic, or fun. Anything that challenges their perception of themselves leaves them feeling irritated or competitive. Learn to let go of the feeling that it matters what other people think of you. It doesn’t matter if someone else is “smarter” this one time, as long as you’re being the authentic you.
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Changing your mindset can feel overwhelming, but it all begins with awareness of your thoughts and a willingness to challenge yourself.

Are you ready to change to a growth mindset? 
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Advice and information for whānau supporting young people through traumatic events

3/21/2019

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It is very normal as a parent or whānau member to be worried about your rangatahi in the wake of an event like the terrorist attack that occurred in Christchurch on March 15. 

We have compiled some resources from trusted sources to support you. We also want you to know that we are available to chat with you about your young person. 

We are happy to chat with parents, grandparents, friends, whānau, teachers, coaches and more. Being supported as the support person is incredibly important. 

This includes all of our free and affordable counselling services. If you don't find what you're looking for here, give us a call, text us, email us or chat with us and we'll do what we can to connect you to the right information or resource. In some parts of the country we also provide individual and family counselling face to face. 

The Ministry of Health has an excellent resource on supporting adolescents involved in crisis and traumatic events which relates specifically to this developmental stage.

​Some key points: 

Adolescent development
Adolescents frequently lose the self-assurance they had when younger, but often gain other types of confidence and abilities. Parents, and adolescents themselves, are confused by their inconsistent behaviour.

They can think rationally, but have unstable emotions and may not apply logical thinking to real situations. They need support and independence to learn this.
They want to be both close to others and time to be alone as they find new ways of relating to people.
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To communicate with adolescents, these contradictions have to be understood. Moodiness, depression and insecurity commonly alternate with excitement, happiness and adventurousness.
The family
Whereas children are dependent on parents and live within the family, adolescents are usually proud that they could survive on their own. School, peers, other adults and social or sporting groups are a large part of their support network. They often don’t feel the family is the life support system it was in childhood. Parents may feel sidelined, but their importance is no less than before, just different.​

Adolescents usually don’t understand these changes although they feel the frustration of them. They need their family to be a trusted home base for their adjustment to painful events, but how much they rely on their family to come to grips with what has happened varies greatly from one person to another.
The peer group
Friends and acquaintances are an essential part of an adolescent’s day to day life. Groups may appear to be a distraction, but they give security in coping with emotional problems. A sense of normality is gained by comparing themselves with peers. Adolescents feel abnormal when they are different to their peers, and this threatens their sense of self.

Interest in music, fashion, sport or skateboarding – even if done alone – can give the support of shared experiences of the peer culture.

The peer group often seems to be their life support system. They need to be with peers, just as they previously needed to be with their parents. This is normal, though some adolescents have difficulty getting the right balance between peers and family. Parents who oppose peer influences cause intense conflict and often lose the battle because the adolescent feels the parent’s opposition is a threat to their survival.

Parents help best when they share their adolescent with peer groups. Rather than competing with peers’ influence, adults need to develop good communication and give the adolescents time to form their own judgements of peers and evaluate the group.
The adolescent’s experience
Adolescents are often more involved in doing things than understanding emotions and may lack words to express important feelings. They handle painful events by distracting themselves. They may be immersed in their own feelings and point of view and not recognise adults’ reactions. They may feel threatened when adults try to be logical about painful experiences and not fully understand what’s said until later. But their behaviour often shows they have taken notice even when they don’t acknowledge it.​

It’s important to allow time for them to work things out and not demand immediate feedback. Parents’ own anxiety may make adolescents confused and guilty or cause them to reject the parent’s emotions to protect themselves.
If you are supporting multiple children of varying ages, our friends at The Parenting Place have put together a useful guide on how to talk to your kids about trauma, and it specifically covers different ages groups, including: up to four years, 5-11 years, 12-14 years, above 14 years. 

The information for over 14 year olds reinforces the guidelines from the Ministry of Health, and says:
They’ll most likely be hearing a lot of information through friends and social media, so it’s important to make sure the information they have is accurate. Ask them if they’ve heard about what happened and what they know about it.

Don’t say things you don’t believe and don’t give them empty platitudes.

By this age, they’ll be starting to separate from you and turning to their peers to meet their needs. Don’t worry at all if they don’t want to talk about things. When they need comfort or conversation, it’s very normal for them to turn to friends. They might also seem even more attached to their phone. People feel safest in groups, and at this age, their friendship groups are everything – it’s just how they find stability and comfort, which they might need if the world seems crazy for a while.

Don’t say things you don’t believe and don’t give them empty platitudes. They’re too smart and it will cheapen everything else you say. Let them know that you wish you had the answers and that you wish you could say nothing like this will happen again, but you can’t say that – nobody can. Let them know that these things are rare and remind them how their situation is different.
It will be comforting for them to know that you feel the things they feel, but they also need to know that you feel safe and strong.

Share how you feel, but don’t look to them for comfort. It will be comforting for them to know that you feel the things they feel, but they also need to know that you feel safe and strong. Sometimes, with this age group it is best to have these sorts of conversations when they don’t have to make eye contact with you – while you are in the car together or while you’re cooking dinner. Others might like to feel your closeness. Let them take the lead on that.​

When things happen out of our control, it can feel disempowering for all of us. Give your kids back their power by letting them know that they have a vital role to play in building a world that is safe and good to be in. Empower them by letting them know that their voice, their thoughts, and the way they are in the world all matter. They need to know that it’s because of them, and people like them, that the spirit of love, kindness and compassion will always be stronger than anything that tries to weaken it.
We've got some great information about how to Be the Change you want to see in the world that includes ways to volunteer, be heard and some information about discrimination and what to do about it. 

Finally, it is so important that you get support for yourself if you are supporting others. If reading and researching is your thing, we recommend this starting point from the Mental Health Foundation. If talking things through is something you’re comfortable with, please feel free to call us, or our friends over at 1737, or Lifeline. You can also text us if you prefer. Both numbers are free and both services are confidential and anonymous. Our teams can also refer you to other services in your local area if you need additional ongoing support, or if you’re looking for something specific. 

Free call 0800 37 66 33
Free text 234 

We have a lot more parenting resources on our website, you can check all of those out at the link below. Our Advice Hub has tons of useful information for young people, but all of it is equally applicable to adults. We've also put together a specific resource for young people about understanding thoughts and feelings in relation to the events in Christchurch. 

Take care of yourself, we're here for you. 
Info for parents and whānau
Advice Hub
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How should I be feeling after the Christchurch terror attack?

3/20/2019

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On March 15 two mosques in Christchurch were attacked and 50 people lost their lives. 
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Many people will be feeling the effects of this violent act, from those families directly affected, the local community in Christchurch, the Muslim community in New Zealand, and the wider New Zealand population. 
It is very normal to feel a strong reaction to what has happened, and those feelings will be different for everyone. Some of us may be feeling very sad, upset or angry. Some of us may have no idea what to feel or do or say. All of this is very normal. 

In the past few days we’ve been hearing from all kinds of people about how they are feeling. Nothing is too big or too small to contact us about.

Some of the following feelings may sound familiar:
  • Shock
  • Numbness
  • Feeling sick
  • Disbelief – finding it hard to accept what has happened
  • Empty, or feeling nothing
  • Anger and resentment
  • Sadness, misery, and hopelessness
  • Guilt
  • Anxiety, restlessness and irritability
  • Panic
  • Exhaustion
  • Disorganisation
  • Isolation
  • Being in a dream-like state
  • Feeling lost, confused or frightened
  • Having unusual reactions, like having a laughing fit or feeling really hyper
  • Finding it hard to concentrate
  • Having weird sleeping or eating patterns
  • Thinking constantly about the event or losses you may have experienced
  • Having weird dreams or nightmares
In the days following this attack many messages, stories, articles and videos have been shared online, on TV and the radio. This intense focus is normal, as Aotearoa processes what has happened, but it can also feel very overwhelming - it seems that everywhere we look we are being reminded of what has happened. 

Some of us have also seen some very violent images and videos on social media of the attack itself. Watching videos like this are not helpful. We encourage anyone who sees these to report the video or image, and to connect in with someone you trust to talk about it. You are also welcome to call or text us to talk it through. 

As we watch our friends, media personalities and celebrities share their responses to this tragedy, it is normal to think you should be feeling a certain way. It is really important to know that we all process events like this differently, and there is no certain way you should be feeling right now. It’s normal to compare, but it is okay to be feeling differently to your mates. 
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There are some simple things you can do for yourself in this time, or if you notice a friend needs some extra love, you can remind them of these things too.
​Kindness, kindness, kindness
It is an important time for kindness. Be kind to yourself first and foremost, especially during times of heightened emotions and stress. Do what you need to take care of yourself. If you’re not sure what that looks like for you, we recommend checking out the 5 ways to wellbeing from our friends at the Mental Health Foundation. 

Also, kindness for one another. Offer to have a kōrero with your friends if you think they need it. Be extra kind to strangers, as we don’t know how other people might have been affected. It is also important to recognise that our Muslim community here in Aotearoa is grieving, and may be feeling additional fear and sadness. The attacks last week targeted this faith-based community during a time of peaceful worship, and that has had a big impact. The folks over at the Spinoff have put together some good ideas about supporting our Muslim whānau. 

Take a social media break
Put down your phone for a while, adjust your screen-time settings, or even delete some apps for a while and add them back later. Social media is an echo chamber, and it can be really overwhelming to see the same images, reports and intense information over and over. 

Take some time out and be aware of what is around you, sit and listen to the sounds and sights. Listen to music you really like. Music has an impact on our heart rate, so quieter, less intense music is more likely to help you chill out. Try something new that helps with stress, like yoga or meditation. Even simple breathing exercises can have a huge impact on how we feel.

Stick to your routine
Sometimes the best thing we can do in response to an event like what happened in Christchurch is to stick to our routines and what we can control. It’s okay to take time out to process. This is especially true for anyone bereaved or feeling significantly impacted. Where possible though, sticking to the everyday stuff can help - going to school, heading to practice, catching up with friends. 

Spend time with family and friends
Hold your loved ones close. Make some extra time for your family and your friends. If you’re worried about someone, ask them how they’re feeling, or share how you’re feeling with someone you trust. Connecting with others is a powerful positive force. 

If you’re supporting someone who is having a particularly hard time with what has happened, you’re welcome to contact us for help and guidance. 

If you don’t feel like you can connect with family or friends right now, we’d love to hear from you. 

We would love to hear from you - what happens when you call or text Youthline? 
Calling or texting Youthline is free, anonymous and confidential. 

When you call us, we try to make sure you are answered by a counsellor from the centre nearest to you. They will introduce themselves and ask you a little about yourself and how they can help. You can say anything you want in confidence and there will not be any comeback. In fact, you don't even need to use your own name.

If you are in a difficult position they may ask you how they can help and may offer some ideas, but it is not for them to make judgments or tell you what to do. They will work things out with you, not for you. Sometimes working through a problem might take more than one phone call or text, and that is okay. They will not judge or criticise you, or tell you what to do. You might be asked how you are feeling and be invited to talk about your feelings.  We try to provide a comfortable and accepting experience to give you the time and space that you need to talk if you want to. You do not have to be in a crisis situation to ring or text.

Our counsellors are available by phone from 8am to midnight, and for crisis calls after midnight.

A text conversation with Youthline is not as instant as calling or chatting with us online. It usually takes 5-10 minutes to receive a message back. 

Our counsellors are available by text from 8am to midnight. 

If you want to talk about the terrorist attack in Christchurch and how you’re feeling now, a friend you are worried about, or anything else on your mind, please reach out. 

Call us for free at 0800 37 66 33
Text us for free at 234

For more answers to frequently asked questions about our Helpline check out the links below. 
Phone Counselling
Text Counselling

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Vigil in Wellington on March 17, 2019.
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Easy ways to boost your confidence

3/19/2019

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“Fake it till you make it” is a mantra we often tell ourselves when we’re trying to feel confident. And it can work for an hour or a day to plaster on a smile and pretend. If you truly want to be more confident every day, you have to work at it. Here’s how you can build and maintain a confident outlook on life:

Visualise the outcome you want

Take a moment to imagine yourself in the future – the future you want to happen. Build an image that makes you feel proud and happy. Keeping this positive vision in your mind as you pursue your goals helps you to stay focused and not give in to negative thoughts.

Use affirmations

Affirmations are a powerful tool used by many successful people. An affirmation is a positive statement about yourself that you repeat, like a chant or mantra, inside your head or out loud. We believe the messages we tell ourselves, so proactively create a positive message that you can give yourself over and over again.

Question your inner critic

We’re often harshest on ourselves, telling ourselves horrible things we’d never say to our friends or family. Next time you berate yourself, question what you’re saying. Ask yourself, “what evidence do I have that I’m a failure?”, or “Does making one mistake really mean my entire life is over?” Learn to turn around your catastrophic thoughts.

Create boundaries

Do you worry about pleasing other people and spend your time saying yes to things you don’t really want to do? Confident people create boundaries in their lives and are okay with saying, “no.” You do yourself the ultimate act of respect by demanding respect from others. Say what you mean and be okay with not pleasing everyone all the time.

Take others off a pedestal

People with low self-confidence often idolise other people and can’t see how they measure up. Constantly comparing yourself to others will leave you feeling bitter and resentful. Instead, celebrate what makes you amazing and what’s good in your life. Spend time helping other people and lifting your own confidence up.

Care for yourself

Treat yourself with the same kindness and respect you reserve for others. Keep yourself physically and mentally healthy by creating good exercise, diet, and sleep habits. Make an effort to look good and to choose activities and friends that challenge and excite you, and make you feel good.
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Maintaining self-confidence is a skill you hone every day, but it does get easier with practice. What are you going to do today to improve your self-confidence?
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How exercise can help you relieve stress

3/13/2019

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Seven out of ten people experience stress or anxiety daily, according to a study by the American Psychological Association. It’s impossible to get rid of stress completely, because it’s an important part of what makes us human. A little bit of stress will help you study hard, mend difficult relationships and strive to achieve your goals.

If you’re feeling stressed all the time, you need some tools to help you manage – and one of the best ways to manage stress is through regular exercise.
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How does exercise help with stress?

Exercise does more than just improve your health and make you better able to fight off illness – it’s also a natural stress reliever. When your body feels good, so does your mind. Exercise can:
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  • Reduce fatigue.
  • Improve concentration.
  • Enhance brain function.
  • Stabilise mood.
  • Decrease tension.
  • Improve your sleep.
  • Grow self-esteem.
  • Make you feel happier.

Physical activity helps your body to pump oxygen around its systems. You get more oxygen to your brain, which helps with clear thinking and concentration. Exercise also feels great because it releases endorphins – neurotransmitters that give us all our happy, feel-good vibes. More endorphins = a happier, healthier mind.
When you exercise, you’re usually conducting repetitive activities that require focus and concentration. This takes your mind off whatever you’ve been stressed about, often allowing space for a solution to present itself.

What kind of exercise can you do?

Even five minutes of aerobic exercise is enough to unleash anti-stress benefits. Here are some ways you can add regular exercise to your life:
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  • Team sports, like hockey, rugby, netball, or basketball.
  • Martial arts, such as karate, jiu jitsu, and taekwondo.
  • Stretching exercises like yoga and pilates.
  • Weight training at a gym.
  • Outdoor pursuits like rock climbing and orienteering.
  • Dance or aerobics classes.
  • Walking your dog around the neighbourhood.
  • Anything else you enjoy that keeps you moving.
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Other ways to relieve stress

Exercise is not the only thing you can do if you’re feeling stressed or anxious. We also recommend:
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  • Talking to a friend, parent, or person you trust.
  • Walking away from a situation and doing something else to rest your brain.
  • Spending time laughing with friends or relaxing with pets.
  • Eating something that energises you and makes you feel good.
  • Watching a fun movie or TV show.
  • Reading a book you enjoy.
  • Making some art or writing a journal entry.
  • Meditation or tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique).

Do you exercise when you’re feeling stressed? Try it and see if it helps you relax.
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How to deal with body image issues

3/11/2019

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Fat, ugly, scrawny, pimply, too tall, too short – even though everybody is different, we can sometimes feel as though our bodies aren’t perfect. When you start to believe your looks determine your value as a person, and you fixate on parts of your body you don’t like, then you might be experiencing body image issues.

If you’re not careful, body image issues can escalate into bigger problems, such as:
  • Depression and anxiety.
  • Eating disorders – anorexia, bulimia, binge eating.
  • Self-harm.
  • Abusing alcohol or drugs.
  • Seeking validation through sex.
  • Suicidal thoughts.

Why do I feel negative about my body?

54% of teenage girls and 41% of teenage guys are dissatisfied with their looks. A huge reason for this is because of the unrealistic expectations placed on them by the media. Anyone who doesn’t fit the popular idea of what “beauty” or “hotness” is can find themselves feeling inadequate and wishing they could change their looks.

It doesn’t help that fashion also reinforces these stereotypes – you can feel as though you have to dress a certain way to be attractive.

Your peers also play a big part in this – you might develop through puberty at a different rate to others, and they can call attention to it in a negative way. Being rejected by someone you’re into or being pressured to look a certain way can leave you feeling inadequate. You might be encouraged to make fun of the way other people look.

It’s hard to ignore things people say about you, especially if they come from friends, crushes, or family. Remember, you’re not defined by the way you look. Try to spend time with people that make you feel happy and confident, and avoid watching or reading media that encourages you to look a certain way.

Managing body issues and building healthy habits

If you think a friend is experiencing body issues, or you’re feeling bad about your own body, here’s what you can do to help:
  • Talk to an adult you trust about how you’re feeling.
  • Realise that the pictures you see of celebrities in the media aren’t real, and are designed to make you feel like you won’t measure up. Look at how much photoshopping goes on to get those ‘perfect’ bodies.
  • Flip the switch when you hear yourself talking negative about your body, and say something positive instead.
  • Choose clothes and fashion that make you feel comfortable and confident, despite the trends.
  • Write down a list of all the things you like about yourself.
  • Focus on building healthy habits, like exercising and eating food that fuels you.
  • Find activities you enjoy that aren’t tied to your body image, like sports, reading, or art.
  • Stay off social media if it makes you feel bad about yourself. Resist the urge to learn more about unhealthy behaviour.

Always focus on your positive qualities, and remember that everyone in the world is different – you don’t have to look a certain way to be happy or have an amazing life. Rock your individuality and celebrate your body!
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Six easy ways to make new friends

3/4/2019

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Friends are one of the true pleasures in life. They help make school enjoyable and weekends adventurous. They listen to your problems and make you laugh. They celebrate when you do something awesome, and give you a shoulder when you need someone to lean on.

If you’ve moved to a new school or you’re struggling to make friends, here are some tips that can help.

Practice your conversation skills

Making friends starts with talking to people and finding someone you can connect with. Conversation skills improve the more you use them, so try to challenge yourself to speak with two people every single day. Think up topics beforehand if you like. It may seem awkward at first, but you’ll get better with time. Starting the conversation is the most difficult part, so once you master that, you’ll be sweet!

Listen more than you talk

Research shows that people love talking about themselves, so being the listener can be an important step. If you want to make friends, you’ve got to learn to ask lots of questions. Ask them about things they seem passionate about, or for advice on the best places or eat or new music to listen to. Practice good listening, by focusing on them, not fidgeting, making eye contact, and making it clear they can trust you by explicitly saying you’ll keep the conversation private.

Remember names and greet people

When you pass a new acquaintance in the halls or at your next event, say hi to them and use their name. A person’s brain lights up upon hearing their own name, and this makes them more likely to pay attention to you and remember your interaction in a positive way.

Get involved

A good way to meet people with the potential to become friends is to join clubs, sports teams, youth groups, and other extracurricular activities that interest you. You already have a built-in topic of conversation and a shared interest.

Develop your confidence and inner strength

The more you work on improving your own confidence and being your own best friend, the more appealing you are as a friend prospect to others. People are attracted to those who are sure of themselves and have a positive outlook on life. Be yourself and feel good about it, and your new friends will follow.

Good friends are worth waiting for

With some people, you click immediately, but with others it can take time to develop trust and rapport in a friendship. Cut yourself some slack – you don’t have to become popular in a week just because it happens in movies. Good friendships are priceless, and they’re worth taking time to nurture and grow.
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