Adolescent development
Adolescents frequently lose the self-assurance they had when younger, but often gain other types of confidence and abilities. Parents, and adolescents themselves, are confused by their inconsistent behaviour.

They can think rationally, but have unstable emotions and may not apply logical thinking to real situations. They need support and independence to learn this.
They want to be both close to others and time to be alone as they find new ways of relating to people.
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To communicate with adolescents, these contradictions have to be understood. Moodiness, depression and insecurity commonly alternate with excitement, happiness and adventurousness.

The family
Whereas children are dependent on parents and live within the family, adolescents are usually proud that they could survive on their own. School, peers, other adults and social or sporting groups are a large part of their support network. They often don’t feel the family is the life support system it was in childhood. Parents may feel sidelined, but their importance is no less than before, just different.​

Adolescents usually don’t understand these changes although they feel the frustration of them. They need their family to be a trusted home base for their adjustment to painful events, but how much they rely on their family to come to grips with what has happened varies greatly from one person to another.

The peer group
Friends and acquaintances are an essential part of an adolescent’s day to day life. Groups may appear to be a distraction, but they give security in coping with emotional problems. A sense of normality is gained by comparing themselves with peers. Adolescents feel abnormal when they are different to their peers, and this threatens their sense of self.

Interest in music, fashion, sport or skateboarding – even if done alone – can give the support of shared experiences of the peer culture.

The peer group often seems to be their life support system. They need to be with peers, just as they previously needed to be with their parents. This is normal, though some adolescents have difficulty getting the right balance between peers and family. Parents who oppose peer influences cause intense conflict and often lose the battle because the adolescent feels the parent’s opposition is a threat to their survival.

Parents help best when they share their adolescent with peer groups. Rather than competing with peers’ influence, adults need to develop good communication and give the adolescents time to form their own judgements of peers and evaluate the group.

The adolescent’s experience
Adolescents are often more involved in doing things than understanding emotions and may lack words to express important feelings. They handle painful events by distracting themselves. They may be immersed in their own feelings and point of view and not recognise adults’ reactions. They may feel threatened when adults try to be logical about painful experiences and not fully understand what’s said until later. But their behaviour often shows they have taken notice even when they don’t acknowledge it.​

It’s important to allow time for them to work things out and not demand immediate feedback. Parents’ own anxiety may make adolescents confused and guilty or cause them to reject the parent’s emotions to protect themselves.

They’ll most likely be hearing a lot of information through friends and social media, so it’s important to make sure the information they have is accurate. Ask them if they’ve heard about what happened and what they know about it.

Don’t say things you don’t believe and don’t give them empty platitudes.

By this age, they’ll be starting to separate from you and turning to their peers to meet their needs. Don’t worry at all if they don’t want to talk about things. When they need comfort or conversation, it’s very normal for them to turn to friends. They might also seem even more attached to their phone. People feel safest in groups, and at this age, their friendship groups are everything – it’s just how they find stability and comfort, which they might need if the world seems crazy for a while.

Don’t say things you don’t believe and don’t give them empty platitudes. They’re too smart and it will cheapen everything else you say. Let them know that you wish you had the answers and that you wish you could say nothing like this will happen again, but you can’t say that – nobody can. Let them know that these things are rare and remind them how their situation is different.
It will be comforting for them to know that you feel the things they feel, but they also need to know that you feel safe and strong.

Share how you feel, but don’t look to them for comfort. It will be comforting for them to know that you feel the things they feel, but they also need to know that you feel safe and strong. Sometimes, with this age group it is best to have these sorts of conversations when they don’t have to make eye contact with you – while you are in the car together or while you’re cooking dinner. Others might like to feel your closeness. Let them take the lead on that.​

When things happen out of our control, it can feel disempowering for all of us. Give your kids back their power by letting them know that they have a vital role to play in building a world that is safe and good to be in. Empower them by letting them know that their voice, their thoughts, and the way they are in the world all matter. They need to know that it’s because of them, and people like them, that the spirit of love, kindness and compassion will always be stronger than anything that tries to weaken it.