Friendships

Dealing with friendship conflict
Drama between friends sucks big time. Some groups always seem to have some kinda drama happening, while other groups hardly ever fight and it’s a really huge thing when it does happen. For tips on how to deal with conflict, click here. For more info on bullying, click here. 

Does this seem familiar? Here are some questions we’ve received from real live young people:   

Q: “The girls in my group were all fine with each other, but now 2 of them are fighting and I feel like I’m stuck in the middle. I just want us to all be friends again. Please help!”
A: It’s important you stay out of it as much as possible so that you aren’t in the middle. However, when friends say things like, “Why were you talking to her? I thought you were my friend”, staying out of it can be pretty tricky! You need to be really clear in your message to both of them, which is “I’m not getting involved because you are both my friends and I WILL NOT take sides”. If they try talk to you about what’s happening, if they ask you what the other one is saying about them or ask you to pass a message on, just calmly and clearly let them know: “This is between you two – I’m friends with both of you, so I’m not getting involved. If you want to get in contact with her, you’ll have to talk to her yourself, okay?” Whatever you do, don’t try to solve or fix their problems for them. You have to leave it up to them – otherwise you risk ending up right in the middle and dealing with even more drama!

Q: “There’s a girl in my group who is always a bit mean. She seems to always ignore me and pay more attention to the others in my group. When I try joining in, she snobs me.”
A: Sometimes people will act like this if they feel insecure in a group. They shoot others down as a way of feeling more powerful. One thing to talk to them away from the rest of the group. Once you have told them how it makes you feel when they ignore you and told them how you’d like things to be, then it’s important to stick up for yourself in the group. This means being assertive. 

Dealing with loneliness
 You might feel lonely after:

• A break up

• A fight with friends or family members

• Moving house

• Moving classes or even schools

• Conflict and stress at home

• Separation or divorce of your parents

You may feel lonely because you…

• Find it hard to trust others

• Fear of being rejected

• Fear of being alone forever

• Feeling bad about yourself

• Blaming yourself for stuff that’s happened

• Expecting too much from others

• Mental health stuff like depression or anxiety

 You may react to loneliness by….

• Being withdrawn and quiet

• Crying

• Sleeping too much

• Eating too much

• Getting drunk or taking drugs

• Sitting around doing nothing

What might help…

• Distracting yourself

• Going for a walk or exercising

• Getting out of the house

• Being with family

• Watching funny Youtube clips and movies

• Enjoying on your hobbies and interests
• Building your self-confidence – click here  for tips

• Talking to a counsellor about how you feel – click here for different support options

• Work on making new friends

 

Communication Tips with Friends & Family

Dealing with conflict
Having challenging conversations with those around you

• Write it down. Before you talk to them, write down exactly what you want to talk to them about so that it is clear in your mind. Describe the situation/moment that upset you, what you thought in that moment, how you felt in that moment, and what you would like from the person in the future.
  
  
• Pick the right time. Pick a time when you are both calm,ready to talk and ready to listen.
  
  
• Be clear. When talking to the person, have in your mind what you wrote down.
  
  
• Focus on their behaviour rather than who they are as a person. For example, rather than saying “you’re so mean”, tell them what it is that they do that you find mean. E.g. “When you went off with your friends at that party and left me on my own, I thought that was mean”. 
  
  
• Avoid bringing up stuff from the past. Focus on the current issue and stick to this for now – past issues can be addressed at another time.
  
  
• Use “I statements” like I feel… I thought… I want… rather than “you statements” like “you always” and “you never”, which can sound like blaming, judging or attacking.
  
  
• Use your body language as well as your words. Have a calm tone of voice, sit down next to the person, with an open posture, don’t cross your arms, have an angry expression – these things can help the other person to not feel threatened and will help them be more open to what you have to say. 
  
  
• Keep calm. If you feel you’re getting worked up or angry during the conversation, take some deep breaths or a five minute break to calm down.
  
  
• Listen to how they feel. Don’t interrupt. Don’t defend. Just listen and only when they are finished, then share.
  
  
• Try and understand where they are coming from. Let them know you’ve heard them by saying things like “I understand that you feel like I …” and “It sounds like you feel….”
  remember it’s just one opinion. Listen to that opinion and take it on board if it seems like a fair point or something that can help, but if it doesn’t then leave that opinion behind and move on. The important thing is to consider it.
  
  
• Don’t be stubborn or proud - being able to apologise and admit when you’re wrong shows strength, not weakness. A simple “sorry” can save a lot of strife.