Physical Abuse & Violence

What is physical abuse?
Physical abuse can be defined as actions that cause physical injury, leave marks, or cause pain. This includes any kind of:

• Hitting with hand or objects
• Shaking
• Burning
• Pinching
• Scratching
• Biting
• Bruising
• Choking
• Grabbing
• Throwing
• Beating
• Holding someone against their will, like stopping them from leaving the house, or getting away from a potentially harmful situation.
• It can also include putting someone in danger, like pushing them from a car.
• Forcing someone to eat harmful substances
• Forcing someone to sit or hold a position for a long time
• Not allowing someone to go to the bathroom
• Locking someone away or tying someone up in a cupboard, room or outside 

Impact of physical abuse
What are the impacts of physical abuse?

• Feeling very sad, tearful
• Feeling quiet, shy, lonely
• Feeling very angry and wanting to shout and smash things
• Snapping at others or being grumpy
• Mood swings
• Not caring about other people’s feelings
• Not trusting others
• Wanting to hurt or punish others or “teach them a lesson”
• Trouble concentrating
• Nervous, jumpy and wound up
• Sleeplessness and nightmares
• Shame or embarrassment
• No confidence, feeling worthless or bad about yourself
• Numb
• Scared
• Drug/Alcohol abuse
• Eating disorders
• Problems with school work
• Problems with relationships
• Suicidal thoughts
• Self-harm

The facts

• Physical abuse is NEVER okay and is NEVER ‘deserved’ – there is no excuse for violence.
• Physical abuse can happen anywhere (in any suburb and any part of the country) and to any one.
• Abusers can be both men and women and can be any age.
• Abusers need help. They need to learn how to control their anger and stress and not take it out on others.
• Physical abuse is not just about anger. It’s about using power to control, intimidate or use another person while ignoring that person’s rights and needs.

 

Where can I get help?If you are the one being abused then the first step is to tell someone you trust about what is going on. Talk to trusted friends so that they can support you to tell an adult that can help.
Adults that could help include:

• Your whanau: This could be a parent, an aunty, grandparent or someone else in your whanau
• Friends’ parents
• Your school: a teacher, counsellor, nurse or coach at your school
• Your youth group leader
• Your doctor
• Youthline: Call 0800 37 66 33 or free TXT 234
• A police officer
• A youth worker
• A social worker
• If you are a female and the abuse is happening in your relationship, you can contact Women’s Refuge on 0800 733 843 or SHINE on 0508 744 633 for advice, support and information
• If you are under 17 and may not be safe at home, contact Child, Youth and Family on 0508 326 459

It may not seem like it sometimes, but there are lots of adults out there who care about you being safe and will do whatever they can to help. These adults will be able to listen and help you to figure out what you want to do next. It may be hard at first to tell, but keep asking for help and support until you get it.  You may worry about what will happen if you tell and you may not want anyone to get into trouble, but remember that no one has the right to treat you poorly and you deserve to be safe.

 

Sexual Harassment, Abuse & Violence

What is sexual harassment?
Sexual harassment includes any kind of unwanted attention of a sexual nature. This includes making comments, jokes or gestures that are sexual, trying to get it on with you/asking or suggesting for sexual stuff to happen, or any other sexual behaviour that makes the other person feel uncomfortable or uneasy.

What is sexual abuse/violence?Sexual abuse/violence is when a person does sexual stuff to you or makes you do sexual stuff to them that makes you feel uncomfortable or uneasy. This includes making you look at sexual stuff over online chat, in video, in photos or in person. This also includes making you do something sexual to your own body while they watch (either in person, online, in video or in photos). This may also include not using contraception when you have asked them to; forcing you to get pregnant, not allowing you to use of contraception, or forcing you or denying you to have an abortion.
These actions are NEVER OKAY and are against the law. No one ever has the right to touch you sexually or make you do something sexual that you don’t want to do. If any of these things have happened to you, are happening to you or you worry that they might happen to you soon – there is help!


Impact of sexual abuse and violence• Fear
• No confidence
• Feeling worthless
• Increased shyness, wanting to withdraw
• Nervous, jumpy and wound up
• Zoning out - This is when someone ‘exits’ a situation and goes into their own head like they’re not present anymore. They’re not very aware of what’s going on around them - the flash word for this is ‘dissociation’. If you zone out a lot this may be because zoning out was a really good survival strategy when some bad stuff was happening to you in the past, but if it’s now stopped happening, zoning out heaps can have a not-so-good impact on you and your life. Further down in this section we talk about some ideas that might help with this. and trouble concentrating
• No trust
• Anger
• Feeling bad about yourself and self-hatred
• Sadness
• Depression
• Flashbacks: feeling like the stuff that went on is happening again. These can feel very real and very scary.
• Sleeplessness
• Shame and embarrassment
• Disgust
• Guilt
• Loneliness and isolation
• Nightmares
• Health problems
• Self-harm
• Risky sexual behaviours
• Suicidal thoughts
• Drug/Alcohol abuse
• Eating disorders
• Problems with school work
• Problems with relationships

Facts about sexual abuse and violence• Most of those who commit sexual abuse and violence know their victims well.
• Sexual abuse and violence can happen in your relationship. If a person is pressured or forced into doing something sexual that makes them feel uncomfortable, this is NOT okay. See the ‘consent’ section of this website for more info on this.
• It can be very hard to talk about it. Some people don’t tell for many years after because they are made to feel like it is their fault or they are told no one will believe them, something bad will happen if they do tell.
• If it happened when you are young, you may not have realised until much later that what was happening is wrong or you may not have had the words let someone know what was happening.
• It is never the victim’s fault – no matter what they were wearing, how they acted, whether they were under the influence of alcohol or drugs, if they were partying, whether they had flirted or kissed the person previously or whether they had previously said they would do something sexual but then changed their mind. It is NEVER okay and NEVER deserved to be forced to do something sexual you don’t want to or didn’t agree to do. Sometimes people who have been abused feel guilty, but it's never their fault.

Where can I get help?If you require help immediately, you should call the Police on 111.

If you want to find a sexual assault support service near you, click on this link, or call Family Services directory on 0800 211 211. Tell the operator what kind of help or service you are wanting, and they can give you the number for services that can help you. It’s free to call from your mobile and they can even connect you through to a service on your phone, free of charge!
Youthline on 0800 37 66 33 or free txt 234

If you are a female and this abuse is happening in your relationship, you can contact Women’s Refuge on 0800 733 843 for advice, support and information or or SHINE on 0508 744 633


What can I do if I am being sexually abusive?
If you are doing sexually harmful things to someone else or even thinking about it, acknowledging this is the first step to things improving. The next step is to access help.
If you are in Auckland, contact SAFE on 09 377 98 98 or help@safenetwork.org.nz 
If you are in Wellington, contact Wellstop on 04 566 4745 or enquiries@wellstop.org.nz                 
If you are in Christchurch, contact Stop on 03 374 5010 or maureen@stop.org.nz
You can also contact: 

• Your doctor
• A registered counsellor, psychotherapist, or clinical psychologist

Your local Child Youth and Family service on 0508 FAMILY (0508 326 459) or visit their website http://www.cyf.govt.nz/
​

 

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse leaves marks and scars on the inside rather than on the outside. Emotional abuse is manipulative. The abuser can be controlling and make you or someone else feel worthless, powerless and trapped.
Emotional abuse includes:

• Put downs, shaming and name calling. Giving you put-downs like you’re stupid, useless, fat, or ugly, embarrassing you, telling you to harden up when you get upset, make fun of the way you look, act, believe, and laugh at your plans and goals.
• Threats. They do mean things, hurt you, leave you or hurt themselves or others if you don’t do what they want.
• Control. Extreme control over where you go, what you look like, who you hang out with or talk to, what you say, how much money you have and how you use it.
• Isolation. Being jealous and not allowing you to see certain people or do certain things, including leaving the car with no petrol in the tank so it can’t be used.
• Mind games. Give you the silent treatment, sulk or stop giving you love if you do something they don’t like or you don’t do what they want, keep you hanging, blame you for things you never did, sometimes be really nice and then be really mean, make you feel like you’re crazy or jealous.
• Intimidation. Using looks, actions, expressions or a loud voice to intimidate or make you or others feel afraid.

Impact of emotional abuse:

• Fear
• Depression
• No confidence
• Feeling worthless
• Nervous, jumpy and wound up
• Anger
• Feeling bad about yourself/self-hatred
• Sadness
• Shame and embarrassment
• Guilt
• Self-harm
• Suicidal thoughts
• Drug/Alcohol abuse
• Eating disorders
• Problems with relationships

Facts about emotional abuse

• Emotional abuse is NEVER okay and is NEVER ‘deserved’ – there is no excuse for violence.
• Emotional abuse can happen anywhere (in any suburb and any part of the country) and to anybody – no matter what their job is, how they look or who they are.
• Abusers can be both men and women and can be any age.
• It’s often not recognised by others because it can be subtle and hidden.
• It can be really hard for someone to leave a relationship that’s abusive. For more info, click here

Where can I get help?
The first step is to tell someone you trust about what is going on. Talk to trusted friends so that they can support you to tell an adult that can help.
Adults that could help include:

• Your whanau: This could be a parent, an aunty, grandparent or someone else in your whanau
• Friends and their parents
• Your school: a teacher, counsellor, nurse or coach at your school
• Your youth group leader
• Your doctor
• Youthline: Call 0800 37 66 33 or free TXT 234
• A youth worker
• A social worker
• If you are a female and this abuse is happening in your relationship, you can contact Women’s Refuge on 0800 733 843 for advice, support and information or SHINE on 0508 744 633

What can I do if I’m being emotionally abusive?Acknowledging that there is a problem is the first step to things improving. The next step is to access help.
You can find out what services can help you by ringing the Family Violence Information Line. When you ring, the trained operator will connect you with a service in your area. This might be a counselling service or an agency that can help.
So if you feel ready to take the next step, call 0800 456 450, or visit the website www.areyouok.org.nz   
You can also call Youthline on 0800 37 66 33 or free TXT 234

 

Neglect

What is neglect?
Neglect is when someone’s basic needs are not met by the people that are responsible for caring for them.
This includes:

• Not giving them enough food, shelter, or warmth
• Things like clothes and bedding and the house, are dirty or smelly
• Not taking them to the doctor, giving them medicine or helping them to feel better
• Leaving them alone without anyone to take care of them
• Leaving them with someone who doesn’t look after them well or isn’t old enough to look after them

What can I do if I or someone I know is being neglected? Contact a trained professional or a trusted adult:

• Your school: a teacher, counsellor, nurse or coach at your school
• Your youth group leader
• Your doctor
• Youthline: Call 0800 37 66 33 or free TXT 234
• A police officer
• A youth worker
• A social worker
• If you are under 17 and may not be safe at home, contact Child, Youth and Family on 0508 326 459

 

Supporting Friends

Signs your friend might be getting abused

• Unexplained bruises, welts, cuts, scratches, burns, fractures.
• Very sad, moody, depressed, withdrawn, angry or aggressive.
• Steals food because they are hungry and there is never enough to eat at home
• Jumpy, uncomfortable or careful around a certain adult or places.
• Violent towards others and animals.
• Can’t remember how they got hurt or give an explanation and then later change it or say something different
• Acting much more sexual than others their age, sometimes with people much younger than them.
• Uses lots of drugs and alcohol.
• Self-harms and/or feels suicidal.
• Their partner is really controlling, jealous, threatening or intimidating or won’t allow you to see their friends or hang out anymore.

My friend has told me they’ve been abused… what do I do?

• The fact they have told you shows they really trust you, so listen and be there for them
• You don’t have to solve the problem or try to make everything better for them. Often friends just want support, comfort or someone to tell.
• It’s really good to get some support for yourself too so you don’t feel alone in supporting them.
• Believe what they have told you – lots of people who go through this kind of stuff don’t tell because they are afraid no one will believe them.
• If your friend isn’t in danger of it happening again, you can ask them if they would like to talk to someone professional about what they have been through. People deal with this stuff in their own time and their own way.
• You could offer to help them make phone calls, or go with them to get support.

Help! I’m worried about my friend’s safety?

• If you think the abuse may be happening to them on a regular basis or could happen very soon, or you are worried they might harm themselves or harm someone else, you HAVE TO tell an adult - even if you have promised your friend you wouldn’t say anything.
• This could be a family member, teacher, counsellor, nurse or coach at school, a doctor, a youth group leader, or Youthline. They can help support you and your friend.
• You and your friend could brainstorm together about what they can do to keep safe, but even if they don’t want to do anything, it’s important your friend is protected from further harm.
• They might be angry at first, but know in your heart you are doing the right thing to protect them. Chances are they are just really scared, but since they have told you – they are reaching out for help.
• If your friend is suicidal, click here. 

Who can help?

• If it is an emergency, contact 111.
• For a sexual assault support/crisis service near you, click on this link
• Your whanau: This could be a parent, an aunty, grandparent or someone else in your whanau
• Friends’ parents
• Your school: a teacher, counsellor, nurse or coach at your school
• Your youth group leader
• Your doctor
• Youthline: Call 0800 37 66 33 or free TXT 234
• A police officer
• A youth worker
• A social worker
• If you are a female and the abuse is happening in your relationship, you can contact Women’s Refuge on 0800 733 843 or SHINE on 0508 744 633 for advice, support and information
• If the person is under 17 years old and may not be safe at home, contact Child, Youth and Family on 0508 326 459